Let's Hear it For Beer!

Sun. Oct. 26, 2008

Beer serves another useful purpose, as you will find out in this story.

Boise, Idaho (Krapsody) - An off duty prison guard on a Halloween party beer run, smacked an armed robber over the head with a six-pack, putting down a robbery at a gas station convenience store.

According to video evidence and police investigations, the armed robber entered the convenience store around 10:00 p.m., waving what appeared to be a large black rubber dildo in the air.

After what seemed to be an exchange of words with the cashier, a man dressed up as Batman (the off duty prison guard) came running up behind the robber and smacked him over the head with the six-pack.

Once the robber was knocked unconscious, the off duty prison guard and a customer dressed up as Robin, who also witnessed the event, then pulled famous internet gags on their assailant, such as "the beer bottle outline" and "face paint the drunk".


Robin, used his camera phone and took photographs of the perpetrator. The Dynamic Duo uploaded them to the internet for gratuitous LAWLZ, until police arrived thirty minutes later (names of customers are being withheld to protect their identities).

The off duty prison guard claims, "It all happened so fast man. Thank the lord for Budweiser tall boys in a can and even more thanks for that thirty minutes we had to take all them pictures!"

The officers revived the robber by opening a Slim Jim under his nose, much like smelling salts. The robber jolted up finally, then upon seeing his reflection in the windows, freaked out and slapped one of the officers in the neck. He was eventually subdued and taken to police headquarters for hosing down and processing.


James Bridges, 46, is charged with robbery, and assault and battery upon an officer. He is also charged with being the ugliest man alive in 2008. The black rubber dildo was not found at the scene. Although after a full body cavity search, the body of Jimmy Hoffa was found in Mr. Bridge's colon. BONUS!

"We would never want anyone to risk their own safety, but this is a case where two citizens, acting quickly and decisively literally caught a criminal," Boise Police Lt. Ron Winegar said in a prepared statement, "and we discovered the body of Jimmy Hoffa in the process. I guess this is a closed case," he added.


Amazingly, the two heroes didn't even know each other before dressing up as Batman and Robin. Now, these two should definitely throw back a few cold brews together. And maybe have the usual homoerotic adventure in the "Batcave", just like their "anonymously gay" heroes did.


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What we want

Yeah!

This post is for me and all those men out there that are sick of bending over backwards for the ladies and never getting anything in return!

I've heard a lot about what women want over the years, boy I've heard a lot and I'm sure all you men out there have heard a lot to and some awesome chicks that like a good muff dive occasionally.

Heres an update for all the women out there, "WE WANT STUFF TO" sure its a bit different to what women want but if the ladies out there stopped to ask once in while then there would be less arguments over stupid little things like toilet seats!

I would be happy if once in a while I was asked what I wanted but I never get asked so I'm writing a post about it because I can.

So heres a little list about the things that men want and women take notes because every bloke wants the same thing!!

1. We want the toilet seat up! You may think that we just forget to put it back down but we don't, up is easier and therefore the logical choice!

2. We want the women to stop hassling us about things around the house, I don't care what color the blinds are I'm so stuffed when I get home from work that I'm never going to see them anyway, if you asked what color the beer should be then I would have an opinion .

3. Feelings, men don't have them so don't try and connect we don't have them deep down inside just waiting to come out in a sea of tears and a connection to our feminine side, what you see is what you get!

4. Men like only a few things and not many things make us really happy, what makes me happy (an average bloke) is sports, beers, cars, tools, fishing, boobs, fights, sex and naked women, thats it!

5. Men don't like a lot of things that women like, well everything that women like men don't, here are just a few, chick flicks, opera, talking, talking about feelings, hugging, cuddling, walking, reading, spending time with family, spending time with her friends, her spending time with his friends, "quite time", shopping, going for a drive in the country, picnics, dinners at restaurants, having "brunch" with friends, crafts and listening to Shania Twain or anything resembling, thats about it.

So all you women out there write this down and ask your man every now and then what they want and you will be happier for it!

This post was a community service announcement brought to you by

Womens help line
We listen to them nag so you don't have to!
Call 1800 get me a beer

.

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The true meaning of Halloween

Halloween owwww scary, well not really is it meant to be scary? The scariest thing about Halloween isn't the costumes or the decorations, they're just lame, the scariest thing about Halloween is the massive amount of candy being consumed by already obese children.

The large corporations have a strangle hold on every god damn holiday there is except for maybe some of the Muslim and Islamic holidays but they don't count because there not real holidays and they are all terrorists anyways. Who wants to celebrate blow up a bus day, not me thats for sure!


So the scariest thing about Halloween is candy? Sounds lame but I guess thats because it is lame, what ever happened to the holiday being about hunting down innocent ladies, branding them witches and burning them at the stake?

Why cant we bring back the witch hunt? There are lots of Goths out there and wannabe witches and I'm sure no one would miss them. We could at least sacrifice a goat or two, wheres the harm in that I ask you?

So this Halloween think of the children and give them a knife and a goat to massacre instead of candy and teach them a valuable lesson about the true meaning of the holiday, its about murder and scaring the shit out of people anyway you can and we should never forget that!

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An Angry Clown shout out

A big thumbs up!

Just a shout out to some great blogs that I enjoy reading because I'm nice...sometimes.

The first is The Offended Blogger by Chelle B, great blog and I'm not just saying that because she let me be a guest poster on her blog, I really enjoy reading her blog and try to visit everyday. So it must be good. She also runs Humor-Bloggers a place for funny fuckers.

Another blog that makes me wee my pants on occasion is Wit's Bitch a blog by Chat Blanc a talented blogger that knows how to make you laugh.

This next blog rawks so hard you'll get a hard on while reading it, Nanny Goats In Panties or NGIP as it is also known isn't just a blog its an institution. Its one of the best...EVA!

I have to give a shout out to the angry clown's contributers because they make the Angry Clown what it is and they are the best thats why I chose them so go to their blogs now or you'll make baby Jebus cry! After Dinner Mint, Kats Litter Box, Krapsody, Psycho Carnival and Me and My Dodo (I think Threio is still alive ). Cheers guys a big thumbs up to you!

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sexy bitch on board

Baby on board? Who gives a fuck!

I was driving down the street today as I usually do when I saw a car with a "baby on board" sticker or sign or whatever the fuck they are on the windscreen, I thought to myself why the f*uck (thanks Fly) do they advertise that they have a baby in the car?

Is the baby for sale and thats why the sign is up or are they just so damn proud that they managed to make a baby with their defunct body parts or is it a warning that the baby might attack if you get to close to the car like some sort of mutant guard baby/dog hybrid or do they think that we care they have a baby in the car?

I came to the conclusion after several hours of intense thought on the matter that people with "baby on board" signs on their car windows are telling us to be careful whilst driving around them and also because their dicks.

Like f*uck I'm not slowing down or giving way, stopping at red lights or applying my brakes when they stop in front of me just cause someone has a sign!

If you think it would stop someone from ramming your car well guess what! If someone is willing to ram your car while your driving do you think that a sign would change their mind? It would make me ram harder and aim better.

What they really need to make are signs that would make me slow down, like "sexy bitch on board" or " really strange looking dude that will make you laugh and point on board" or even "the dude driving this car is picking their nose"! I'd buy one of those.

No more baby on board signs, the next car I see with one I'm taking out or pulling them over so I can yell at them like a crazy old guy until they explain to me why the hell they need other people to know that they have a baby on board or until the driver and baby is crying!

I also don't care if your child is an honor student and I'm not honking if I'm horny I do something else to take care of that!

P.S. On a sad note I'm going on a holiday for a few days and will not be able to post, don't worry and stop ya crying I'll be back bigger and better then ever...well maybe not better or bigger or back.

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Buzz Buzz Bitches!

Buzz Buzz Bitches!

So, Im a new contributing author here at the Angry Clown and I thought I would introduce myself. Im the motherfuckin' FLy from over at After Dinner Mint. Oh, shit, can I cuss on here. You know what, I dont give a fuck. Kick me off if you want too.

I got invited to write some posts because Im, well, supposedly educated and yeah, I do have a collegiate career under my belt but what does that mean anyway.

People's views are the real sign of education. Which brings me to my point of this post; there are so many people these days that wander around spewing off opinions that make no sense, back them up with utterly feeble attempts at logic and then tail spin into the desperate nose dive of ignorance and idiocy. Complete biased views of ignorance to the point that they will argue tooth and nail they are right even though the deafening sounds of truth and fact are making their ears bleed. What does it take for a person to admit they are wrong? When two ignorant people argue with each other it gets to the point where either person are threatening each other to shove dicks in each others mouth just so they can shut the hell up.

Thats where we are as a society these days. No matter where you are in the world. We have come to the point where people will not admit they are wrong and the universal declaration that the argument has hit the fan is "Ill shove my dick in your mouth just so you can shut the hell up."

So, look forward to more posts from me pointing out the ignorance in these damn ignoramuses.


Buzz Buzz Bitches!

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Space pubes.

Attention all readers I have come across shocking information that will scare the crap out of you! You cant not read this, unless your real busy and have something else to do or just don't want to read it then thats cool....Anyways.

How many of you have had a shower and come across a bar of soap covered in pubes or gone to the toilet and found a lone pube "hanging out" on the seat or even found a short and curly in a sandwich or other fast food item? You are not alone.

It seems that we have all come across these little black invaders while going about our daily chores and thought nothing of it! Well people Dr Vin Gusto a world leading scientist at Harvard has discovered that what we think are nothing more then tiny black hairs that seem to pop up on everything may actually be visitors from another planet!

The doctor examining a mouth for pube aliens

The research done into the pube plague has revealed the pubes were small reconnaissance aliens gathering information about our day to day lives, "this can only mean that an invasion is imminent and In my own opinion we should prepare the world for a massive attack, we are all doooommmeedddd and there is no hope." Dr Vin Gusto said.

We must all do our part to protect the world! Keep an eye out for these signs and report them to the authority's as soon as possible.

Signs you have been invaded...Your bar of soap has a large amount of pubes stuck to it,

your toilet seat has pubes on it (one or more), your hair brush has a tangle of pubes living among the bristles, you have pubes stuck in between your teeth, you have pubes on your face (may look like facial hair), pubes in your tooth brush and pubes in and around your house or place of work.

If you feel you have been invaded by pubes then remove all hair from your house and body and burn all your clothes, belongings and friends and family as they may already be infected and not even know it, the signs of infection include vomiting large amounts of blood and cum, farting and sharting constantly and extreme "doucherisism" (also known as George W Bush syndrome).

The truth is out there!

Dr Vin Gusto is currently working on a cure and is expected to finish in the next few minutes.

This post was brought to you by
Dr Vin Gusto's Amazing Pube Cream
Have a problem with pubes?
Not any more! thanks Dr Vin Gusto's Amazing Pube Cream
In stores NOW!
May cause yo momma to suck possum balls biotch.

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Hanging ten with the locals.

I love holidays, don't you?

The best holiday I ever had was a trip to Banda Aceh in 2004 around Christmas time, the sun was bright the water was blue and the waves were killers!

What a beautiful land!

I started my adventure in a small town on the coast, I forgot its name but I remember the people were real nice and always smiling and singing "arhhhhhhh gobbledygook" it was amazing mouth music for your soul!

Locals making "amazing mouth music"

The hotel I stayed in was called 'Shaten floata' and it had the best view from the balcony I had ever seen.

What a view!

The parking was bit shit but at least it had an indoor pool and a giant spa, some people spent days just floating around in it, those crazy locals haha.

Underground parking and a pool!

This guy spent hours in the spa, lucky bastard!

The next day I hired a jeep so I could explore the island a bit more, It was cheap and not the best hire car I've ever had but it got me from A to B, there is an amazing amount of speed bumps over there and they've made them look like bodies, haha wacky locals .

My hire car!

The surf was amazing! I had never surfed a bigger wave before in my life then I did that day and it seemed like the whole town had shown up to have a surf, everyone was having the best time of there life!

SURFS UP DUDES!

"Best holiday EVER!"

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This Is Poop

Please.

Do not eat the poop.

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Pictures you cant have on a blog.

Cant show this!

Or this


Or this!

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How to light a fart the right way

The lighting of a fart can be an amazing and incredible sight to behold IF done properly so I'm here today to inform and excite your emotions and explain just how to get the best out of your arse when lighting a fart!

Step 1: The key to a good fart lighting is gas and to produce the right amount and toxicity of gas there are a few foods you will have to consume before hand, these foods include baked beans, eggs and cabbage, these seem to be the most violent gas produces.

Step 2: Finding a suitable area for the event can be difficult remember you will need an area big enough to fit all your friends, family and coworkers. The word spreads fast when it comes to lighting a fart and a crowd could be a possibility. The best sites are rooms with no windows and only one exit, I prefer shopping centers but its up to you.

Step 3: Equipment is very important you might think you only need your arse and a lighter but the addition of flammable liquids and arseless chaps make the event that much better, fire extinguishers and video cameras and/or camera phones are a must!

Step 4: Once you have the above steps completed it is time to commence the show, the first thing to get right is your position, you want easy access to your arse and you will also need to be in a position so that your audience can get a good view. Legs around head whilst sitting on a chair seems to be the best way to achieve this.

Step 5: Commencing the lighting of your fart. Once you have the audience warmed up its time to start the lighting you may want to poor a flammable liquid down the crack of your arse first but this is recommended for advanced fart lighters only! The timing of the lighting is most crucial, if you light to early the flame might go out and if you light to late you will miss the gas.

Step 6: During the fart lighting there are a few things you need to keep in mind, if you don't push hard enough there wont be enough gas to sustain the flame but if you push to hard you might expierience the enemy of all fart lighters, the "wet weather effect" also known as crapping yourself will immediately douse the flames. Although the wet weather effect is also extremely funny its not what we are going for and should be avoided at all costs!

Step 7: Now you have a rip roaring flame shooting out your arse that has impressed everyone in the room you will now need to finish up, the best way to do this is to clench your arse cheeks together. Letting the flame continue until the fart stops is the correct amount of timing any longer could cause the flame to shoot back up your arse causing extreme pain and possible internal burns. Giving a thumbs up to the crowd is also acceptable at this point.

Step 8: You have now completed your fart lighting its time to stand up and receive praise from your onlookers, don't forget to fasten your pants before shaking hands, your small penis may offend some people. A quick lap of the room should be enough and never overdo the celebrations no one likes a wanker!

Thats how you light a fart the right way! This concludes todays lesson on how to light a fart and if you follow these few simple steps nothing will go wrong and you will be a legend for the next few days. Cheers, Damo

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Give me some candy bitch

How scary is this shit?

Yes its almost Halloween and as an inhabitant of the great land of Australia I haven't really explored this American holiday to its full potential which is a hell of a shame since I think its the best damn holiday ever invented!

How kick ass is a holiday that you get to dress up and eat candy that strangers gave you without having to get in there car? Its freaken awesome!

It has slowly been getting bigger in Australia, last year 3 yes thats right 3 kids with no costumes although they were really ugly kids so a costume might not of been as scary, showed up at our house and uttered those 3 words "trick or treat". unfortunately the only thing in the house that resembled candy were eggs and we didn't want to seem lame so instead of handing the kids the eggs we threw them at them, saving our selfs from the embarrassment of not having any candy on the one day of the year when you should and I'm sure the kids loved it as they ran from our yard screaming and crying, ah good memories!

I can't wait to see if those kids come back again this year and if they wear a costume we stocked up on the eggs and are leaving them in the sun for a week or two so they are as close to candy as possible because everyone knows if you leave eggs in the sun the turn into candy! (try it at home)

We also have another surprise for the trick or treaters this year with the addition of a hockey mask and chainsaw or Micheal Jackson, I cant wait to see how that turns out!

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Worker or wanker?

I'm one of these now.

Well howdy there folks I got a hankering for a story telling so sit right back and relax maybe put on some relaxing music and break out the possum stew because we're going to work!

Thats right I worked last night, why I don't know but me thinks it has something to do with the government threatening to cut my payments because they suck.

The expierience really scared the living crap out of me because I hate authority with a passion but mainly because I am known for my stupid jokes that offend lots and lots and lots and....lots of people and I didn't want to burn my bridges before I've crossed them, I'll wait and see if I like the work before getting fired!

The good part is the money that I haven't seen yet but I'm sure will be glorious and moneyrific (another new word, add it to your dictionary!). The bad part is the work and I have to sacrifice a few of my beliefs and conform just a little bit but I'm sure I will be fired soon and the universe can return to normal, we can only hope.

You may be thinking I'm a bum and well yeah I am but I have a good reason and its that I don't want to work (thats an excuse) but we all do things we don't want to I was just trying to limit the amount of doing things I didn't want to do to a safe level of 0%.

I'll let ya'll know how all the work place funnies go down and of course we can only hope my firing!

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Beyond Left Field iz teh awesome.

I don't usually plug other blogs unless I'm giving them the Angry Clown award which is just a scam to be honest but people seem to enjoy receiving it and i think I've only ever written a post about one other blog before and that was about some cult of something or rather.

So you know this blog I'm about to shamelessly give praise and awesomenessisims (my new word) to must be damn good or really good at sucking up my arse or both (its both).

Without further words I cant spell because I'm a bit slow in the head, please cruise over there now and check it out. This blog will have you laughing milk out your nose. I love this blog so much that if it was a person and if I were gay I'd totally screw the hell out of it in a 6 hour passion fest with several other extremely well endowed men of the same orientation until we all climaxed on each others faces (WTF)... but I'm not and the blog isn't so I wont.

Go now and enjoy Beyond Left Field and say g'day to Don, he likes it when people talk to him and touch his penis I'm sorry what? Ok bye.

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I sound like a human rights activist...NOT COOL

Farken hilarious?

The funniest thing in life is life itself, yes thats right the funnies that make life easier are no match when it comes to standing back and looking at your life and the world in general I mean how fucked up and super hilarious can things get?

Everyone needs to chill the fuck out and sit the fuck down and relax a little maybe crack a beer or two, I'm talking to the world leaders here sure they make life funnier for me and most of you by starting wars and killing lots of people for no good reason and therefore its funny but like all good things it will have to come to an end.

Would life be any better if everyone got along? Maybe but I doubt it, its all in our genetic makeup we fight we die so were happy and hey it gives us something to do right? Still it might be nice for a change to see what would happen if all the fighting and farting around stopped but I think we would get bored and go mental (even more mental then we already are).

What should we do (pretend we have a choice) should we stop fighting and killing and be nice and help everyone or should we stay on the path we are on? I know what I want and thats more funnies but after a while it does get a bit stupid and lame George but hey we make our own destiny... so you choose!

LULZ 4EVA bye...whateva

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Don't get your genitals caught in...

Genital man to the rescue

I recently had the pleasure of getting my testicles jammed in something try and guess what it was!

Don't get your genitals caught in these -

A car door.
A mouse trap.
A blender.
Under a large rock.
In a light socket.
In a bottle.
In the mouth of an intern.
In the end of a shot gun.
In the mouth of a large bovine.
In the arse of a large bovine.
Your cousin.
In your own arse.
In a angry clown.

Just don't do it!

This post was brought to you by CUM.

YUM CUM!
Give your family some CUM!

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Chickens are better then people!

Respect the chicken!

Do you like chickens? More importantly would chickens like you? Have you ever done anything in your life that would impress a chicken? That would make a chicken say "WOW that d00d is kick anus he is a real great guy or gal" well have you?

I might talk a lot of shit on this blog and in real life and well all the time really but I've always tried to do right by chickens I know that once chickens started hating me then I have failed, I don't care if people like me in fact I kinda hate people. If you can say you've impressed a chicken at least then you know your on the right track!

How to impress a chicken and why have I used the word chicken a few to many times in this post? well the post is about chickens and thats why so get over it! Keeping chickens happy might sound easy but its not you might not know this but chickens can be royal pains in the ass sometimes, they are always wanting you to work hard and fly straight (pun intended freaken haaaaaa) but we can't always do this so we fail but the great thing about chickens is they forgive and let you try again. Chickens are really cool like that.

So are you keeping the chickens happy? I suggest that you start, its never to late and they are easier to impress then people and they fry up great!

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