What The Hell?

Here's a goddamn video clip for ya, filled with joy and uplifting sentiment.

BOING!

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Angry Clown Hate Mail

Since I've been a guest contributor for Angry Clown, I receive a few hate mails on occasion. They usually end up berating me for making fun of everything under the sun, which includes of all things...clowns.

Never mind my vicious attacks on overweight-bearded women that smell of limburger cheese, ass-raping politicians that don't lube ya up before doing the deed, and taint-sucking telemarketers that call you repeatedly at 3 am. Okay, they're fucking clowns too, but different from any regular run-of-the-mill clown.

Glad we got that cleared up.

This is but one example that I have received about my contribution to the site (or certain aspects of it). I don't even think it warrants a response, but I guess this ass clown was determined to get SOMETHING out of me... so instead of an email reply I will instead mock him in front of an audience for the uberlulz. Personally, I think this guy is a complete whacko. I'll let you come to your own conclusions.

Dearest most-est wonderful Static:


My name is Pogo the Clown. While searching the internet for links to clowning-related pages, I was confronted with the GODDAMN Angry Clown page, and to say the least, I was extremely offended by your writings... fucko. Now WAIT--before you go off and take this as a complete complaint, I want you to know that I KNOW you have (1) the right to expression, and (2) the right, frankly, to not like clowns. But literally thousands of children DO like clowns, and search for the word "Clowns" every day.


Truth be told: it's hurting my business (which includes birthday parties, mitzvahs, and Strip-O-Grams), and and I'm running out of children, especially boys, to "entertain". While you do have the right to expression, you do not have the right to slanderize the entire clowning industry, nor any particular "clown" therein.


I might agree with you on some of the things on your page--but that picture of the clown tied up on the train tracks? I think that is an extremely poor use of judgement on your part. I would have complained about that myself much sooner if I knew.


Any way, what you are doing is EXTREMELY detrimental to the art of clowning. Thus, I would ask you to please remove all detrimental and/or destructive graphics and materials from your page. I don't think we have to elaborate on what is opinion and what is destructive--good common sense tells us both that.


I have contacted Google on the content of your page, Yahoo! about the link to your site, as well as the companies from which you have received your awards, as well as the WGN Broadcasting company concerning your graphics. Please do not take this personally; but the content of your writing and the Angry Clown web pages are more than just an opinion--it is a complete display of hatred toward the art of clowning.


If you wish to contact me, you may do so at JWGacy@gmailz.com.
Thank you in advance for your understanding and cooperation.


John Wayne Gacy
Pogo Enterprises


p.s. if you are ever in the Chicago area, feel free to stop by my house. Just let yourself into the basement, grab a ghb laced beer and make yourself at home.

 Gee, that was stirring. John included this rather interesting photo of himself. This image might look quite innocent, but the person under the clown make-up and Pogo persona, is none other than John Wayne Gacy. It's true. He was not really executed. It was all faked. Don't you know by now that bureaucracy makes sharpening a pencil a monumental and expensive task? It was far cheaper and easier to let him go, and then relocate him several times.

To know that this 'man' raped and murdered at least 33 young men and was a known clown is enough to make my skin crawl. No, not every clown is a murderous, sick human. But if anybody out there is wondering where my opinions of the man come from, take a look and just try to imagine... being subjected to extreme sodomy, getting murdered, and then buried in a crawl space next to dozens of other rotting corpses, by an Angry Clown like Pogo.


So, as the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, my response to you John, (a.k.a. Pogo) is simply...
Fuck off you red-nosed buggering bastard.


For more excrement and half-witted commentary visit: Krapsody

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Destiny of Idiotica

Hey, let your Uncle Kelly tell ya the tale of a lil' planet of long ago. It was called, oddly enough, Idiotica and it was overpopulated with a bunch of wacky DumbAsses. They say the Dumbasses on Planet Idiotica started out as crazy turd-throwin' monkeys but I don't know about dat. I have my own theory dat seems a bit more sensible.



I think a bunch of messed up, drug lovin' aliens got bored one week and dropped by perfect Idiotica for a bit of experimental Hoo-Ha. Since they didn't poke each other in the porkholes anymore.... and they probably got tired of lookin' at all the mountains, trees and water- I think dat they decided to make a new species of being with their advanced technology. Thus, the DumbAss was emanated. The aliens, seeing what they created, were greatly embarrassed. So they took off, like a flea and didn't come back for a real long time.

Soon, after the aliens left the DumbAsses to make decisions for themselves, the early DumbAsses right away began playing "Take Mr. Stinky And Push Him In Da Taco of Love". When they weren't doing dat, they'd hunt down animals, eat till their bellies bloat and hit each other with sticks.

Oddly enough, a lot of the inhabitants of Idiotica delighted in their worship of inanimate objects. The theory being- if ya sing your praises to a rock, the rock will give your people a head of lettuce.

Here's some of the prayers n' stuff they sang and danced to:

"Oh Big Ol' Yellow Ball In Da Sky, You are so great and look so good up there. Could you make it so we got enough beans for the winter?"

"Hello Acorn, how are You today? You look wonderful. I love you, Acorn. Do You love me?"

"Oh statue of a god I just made up, please tell me what I should do? Should I take my first born son and drown him in a river or should I allow him to grown up to be a fine DumbAss like me?"

Later, the folks of Idiotica moved on to praying to deities they couldn't even see. A lot of times they would fight over their deities and beliefs and cause plentiful bloodshed for anyone who didn't believe what they believed. Ha Ho! They sure knew how to have a jolly ol' time!

During their Industrial Age, The DumbAsses made something that would change their world for years to come. It was called "pollution" and they used it to slowly poison themselves to death.

Hurray!

Another wacky thing the DumbAsses like ta do was cut down trees. They weren't happy, it seemed, till they cut down every last goddamn one o' them. When all the rain forests were wiped out, they noticed (bit too late) dat oxygen was a bit scarce.

Imagine that!

The Main Objective of a DumbAss, of course, was to get more moola, more "money". And enough was never enough for the typical DumbAss. And the more ya had- the more other DumbAsses seemed ta respect ya. Which is funny and truly pathetic when ya think about it. Ha Ho! Those crazy DumbAsses loved and worshipped them lil' green pieces of paper more than any other god on Idiotica. In fact, the whole ecosystem of Idiotica was forsaken for the Almighty Coin.

Golly.

Every so often, the Dumbasses of Idiotica would elect a new ruler or Puppet King. One nation, in particular, prided itself on being free. Free ta do what? The only freedom the Dumbasses really ever had was the right to vote for a new ruler ever so often. They didn't get to make the laws. They didn't get ta decide how much money would be ripped out of their slavepay to support their "government". Many times, the DumbAss Rulership would control the Dumbasses by telling them lies and forcing them to watch ancient reruns of Gilligan's Island or, worse yet, The Jerry Springer Show.

Excuse me now while I puke up a Toyota!

And goooood gollykins but those DumbAsses enjoyed a good war. Always about land, fossil fuels, religion or the color of skin- these DumbAsses would kill each other like there was no tomorrow.

They couldn't get a boner til they had annihilated almost every motherfucker in a big ol' murderous frenzy.

Finally, the aliens came back to check up on the DumbAsses, ready to introduce themselves proper. But, when they arrived, they saw that the folks on Idiotica had enough nukes to destroy themselves and their planet 50 X 3 plus 2 and decided the DumbAsses were intent on killing themselves and weren't worth gettin' to know.

With the predicted final world war, the seas and oceans boiled away while the lands of Idiotica burned with the fires of nuclear devastation. Alas, there was to be no surviving for any DumbAss due to fallout and radiation.

Gosh, I sure didn't see dat coming! Did you?

Thanks kids for reading along with me this tale of delightful arrogance and festive idiocy. I'll be back after I take a nice long hit off Uncle Kelly's Magical Pipe O' Fun.

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GTH-Compassion

I am Going to Hell, GTH, and Number 2: My Lack of Compassion



While relieving the four beers and the beef Burrito I ate at 2am today, my attention moved from absolute stench of the moment to a crime related headline in the newspaper.



“Death row inmate: I'm too fat to execute”



In Columbus, Ohio a death row inmate named Richard Cooey, 41, says he is too fat to be executed after raping and murdering two young women in 1986.



The article centers on the possibility that the fat ass will have pain during his execution because it is difficult to find his veins due to his oversized carcass. His trophy to gluttony makes it difficult to deliver enough anesthesia to reduce the pain from the lethal injection that would be used to kill him.


Instead of taking his plea for leniency and showing him some compassion I go into a rant:

You fuckin fat bastard, if you didn’t spend your time eating lard and cheese sandwiches, you may have given a woman an opportunity to give you a little sexual pleasure before your crime spree.


But NO, you take the hard road to pleasure and rape and murder women in desperation.

Then after all that, you want us to give you a pass, because you are still a fat bastard and we will not be able to find your veins?


Wrong answer. Here are your options:

1. Go on a rice cake and water diet until you can lose enough weight so we can administer the anesthesia so your fat worthless ass will not feel the pain of death; OR


2. We stick you fat ass into a guillotine and cut your head off, then you can eat to your heart’s content without gaining any weight.


You have 30 days to choose a method, if you fail to comply, we will just put a shotgun in your mouth and blow your head off!

Related: GTH-Courtesy – No. 1

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