How to light a fart the right way

The lighting of a fart can be an amazing and incredible sight to behold IF done properly so I'm here today to inform and excite your emotions and explain just how to get the best out of your arse when lighting a fart!

Step 1: The key to a good fart lighting is gas and to produce the right amount and toxicity of gas there are a few foods you will have to consume before hand, these foods include baked beans, eggs and cabbage, these seem to be the most violent gas produces.

Step 2: Finding a suitable area for the event can be difficult remember you will need an area big enough to fit all your friends, family and coworkers. The word spreads fast when it comes to lighting a fart and a crowd could be a possibility. The best sites are rooms with no windows and only one exit, I prefer shopping centers but its up to you.

Step 3: Equipment is very important you might think you only need your arse and a lighter but the addition of flammable liquids and arseless chaps make the event that much better, fire extinguishers and video cameras and/or camera phones are a must!

Step 4: Once you have the above steps completed it is time to commence the show, the first thing to get right is your position, you want easy access to your arse and you will also need to be in a position so that your audience can get a good view. Legs around head whilst sitting on a chair seems to be the best way to achieve this.

Step 5: Commencing the lighting of your fart. Once you have the audience warmed up its time to start the lighting you may want to poor a flammable liquid down the crack of your arse first but this is recommended for advanced fart lighters only! The timing of the lighting is most crucial, if you light to early the flame might go out and if you light to late you will miss the gas.

Step 6: During the fart lighting there are a few things you need to keep in mind, if you don't push hard enough there wont be enough gas to sustain the flame but if you push to hard you might expierience the enemy of all fart lighters, the "wet weather effect" also known as crapping yourself will immediately douse the flames. Although the wet weather effect is also extremely funny its not what we are going for and should be avoided at all costs!

Step 7: Now you have a rip roaring flame shooting out your arse that has impressed everyone in the room you will now need to finish up, the best way to do this is to clench your arse cheeks together. Letting the flame continue until the fart stops is the correct amount of timing any longer could cause the flame to shoot back up your arse causing extreme pain and possible internal burns. Giving a thumbs up to the crowd is also acceptable at this point.

Step 8: You have now completed your fart lighting its time to stand up and receive praise from your onlookers, don't forget to fasten your pants before shaking hands, your small penis may offend some people. A quick lap of the room should be enough and never overdo the celebrations no one likes a wanker!

Thats how you light a fart the right way! This concludes todays lesson on how to light a fart and if you follow these few simple steps nothing will go wrong and you will be a legend for the next few days. Cheers, Damo