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Tom Cruise Admits "I'm an A**hole"

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wed January 21, 2009

Dingleberry USA (Krapsody special report) - Tom Cruise in another much anticipated "how far can he get his foot into his mouth" this time moment, Tom Cruise recently said he has flaws...sorta.

Not in so many words. But as everyone knows, Tom Cruise is God, and always refers to himself in the first person. I will refer to him by his full name, 36.4 times in this article.

Tom Cruise admits he came across as "arrogant" in a December 15 interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. Which is an understatement if you ask any person on the street. Insiders have stated that in recent polls, 10 out of 10 people think Tom Cruise is a bi-polar, crack addict. Basically you could say that means he's an angry clown.

His fiascoes over the years have cost him not only Nicole Kidman, but eventually a contract with Paramount Pictures where he has likely earned the studio billions of dollars, and could have earned more, if it weren't for his often odd and erratic behavior and his penchant for sitting on a hardboiled egg during interviews, muttering "shh, it's almost ready to hatch...any moment now."

Let's have a look at one of the most renowned moments of his public breakdown, Exhibit 1: the Scientology incident.

Aha, oh yeah. Classic stuff. This was the peak of his trek into angry clown oblivion.

Let's see if we got this right. 'Tom Cruise scientologist: Class 4 OT7 Platinum Meritorious and IAS Freedom Medal of Valor Winner' wax lyrical about Scientology, Tom Cruise is considered a member of the lunatic fringe. For more of his holiness read my article on Institutions of Jocularity™.

To add to the insanity, a few years ago Tom Cruise got pissed at a paparazzo for squirting him with a little water, which is not cool (that could be considered assault in most states) but then Tom Cruise grabs the guy (also not cool and is just the same as assault) asks him why he squirted him, over and over. Remember that? Well it was just water dude. And the papparazzo was a jerk.. but..uhhh... I think therapists nationwide agree Tom Cruise needs drugs. Mind altering drugs to be exact, which might actually balance him out and help him see reality. Sounds about right?

Long story short - Tom Cruise has definitely tossed off the shackles of Hollywood oppression and will continue to pilot his Scientology-fueled funny car straight towards you. Who has he won over with his rhetoric? ..well, except for Katie Holmes. I'm sure it'll be just a matter of time before she wakes up to his wickedness. 

And now biggest nutbag, err... movie star in the world, Tom Spew!

Fun Factoid: Did ya know that Tom Cruise will not allow his likeness to be used in video games or for action figures. Because his likeness is so much in demand, Macy's wants to use his likeness for its mannequins.

Tommyquins are not exactly all that popular yet.

It also seems Tom Cruise is a slow learner, but he's on the right track to admitting when he's wrong. Another example, early in May 2008, Tom Cruise returned to Oprah’s couch and admitted that he was wrong about postpartum depression.

Tom Cruise had this to say about his comments regarding Brooke Shields and her use of medications to treat her postpartum depression, "It came out wrong, it’s just not true. I was raised by four women who have children and babies. And that's the way I like my women, barefoot 'n pregnant, slaving in the kitchen, making my dinner."

"I’m not trying or want to tell anyone how to live their life or what they should believe or shouldn’t believe. But I am. And just for the record folks, Tom Cruise thinks YOUR science sucks!"

Tom Cruise went on to say he felt "pressed" by the media during that period of his life - and regrets saying a lot of things on TV.

He added, "I felt like I could’ve handled it better. Like I shouldn't have said those things on TV at all. I should have kept them to myself, and suppressed my need to tell people my innermost, personal thoughts. It just showed how insane I really am. Muhahahahahahahahaha!"

The news story ends well. One afternoon after Christmas at Macy's, Oprah and Tom Cruise ran into each other shopping for those 70% off sales, and Oprah promptly sat on him.

The end.

Well not quite the end, you can see m0ar Tom Cruise smashing fun at the following links:

Krapsody - the place to find out of the ordinary humor
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survivor January 22, 2009 at 7:03 AM  

Tom is an asshole. I love the parody that SOuth park did about him where they had him get "R.KellY" out the closet - by using his views on Scientology.

I still remember this idiot jumping up and down on Oprah's leather couch..

I LOVE IT! YO TOM, DUDE-You a madman for real though..

Damian (666) January 22, 2009 at 10:59 AM  

Tom is what happens when people encourage dicks! Its our fault, we should of killed him at birth.

~Static~ January 22, 2009 at 2:43 PM  

@Survivor - Yeah that was a good episode. Tom Cruise refuses to come out of the closet, so the local news media turns to R. Kelly and he whips out a gun. Awesome! It could only have been topped if R.K. pissed on someone.

@Damian - That covers Tom and Dick. What about Harry?

Damian (666) January 22, 2009 at 4:57 PM  

Harry testicles? hahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa an oldie but a goodie yeah Damo awayyyyyyy cheese

I speak so much crap sometimes!

Julio January 23, 2009 at 3:51 AM  

Tom is not only an asshold, but also mentally insane. Not only is he buidling a $10 million bunker to protect himself from intergallactic space-pirate "Xenu", as a child, his biggest dream was not to jump on Oprah's sofa, but rather, to KILL HITLER. This was his GREATEST FANTASY. Not a candy store giving away free candy because it was going out of business. Killing Hitler.

Kill Hitler:,2933,480473,00.html


~Static~ January 23, 2009 at 7:06 AM  

@Project Julio - I find it ironic in that article on the Korean "Valkyrie" premiere that Tom says, "I always wanted to kill Hitler, I hated him. As a child studying history and looking at documents, I wondered, ‘why didn’t someone stand up and try to stop it?’"

I wonder if Kim Jong il was worried, and why Tom hasn't taken him out yet?

Damian (666) January 24, 2009 at 9:27 PM  

Hmmm I see!

Damian (666) January 24, 2009 at 9:31 PM  

Don't ya know that Tom took down Suddam (spell check) single handedly with a couch and cleverly placed product placement campaign in several of his movies.

~Static~ January 26, 2009 at 1:16 PM  

@Damian - I think you're thinking of Ron Jeremy who was Saddam Hussein's favorite actor.

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