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Revenge of the turds

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

This just in:

News parody blogs explode in numbers causing lameness on the interwebs.

Wut? Sorry remember a few weeks or days back I promised a story of untold stinkyness and disgust, huh do ya?

It all started on a warm Wednesday morning the day started like any other I got up had a pee, released my morning wood of its duties and had a nice relaxing shower as one does.

I quickly grew bored around 7am and decided to head for a drive to the beach, just for a drive to look at the ocean maybe have a perv and take some voyeur photos of the retired wrinkles that roam the walking trails and bike tracks along the beach.

All was good I picked up a couple of Redbulls for the trip and in case I was spotted and had to run I drank them down forgetting I had not yet had breakfast or had the morning crap, the stinkiest and most needed of all poohs threw out the day.

As I drove along the road across from the beach looking for the moldy oldies I felt a sharp pain in my stomach this could only mean that a turd was trying to free itself from the evil clutches of my small intestine little did I know of the will and sheer determination of my brown buddy.

As I swung a U-turn and headed for home in peak-hour traffic I came across a problem, there was an accident holding up traffic and I knew if I didn't get home soon I was going to deliver in my car, not cool!

I made a break for my Grandma's house as they lived closer and I was on a knifes edge. My contractions grew closer and closer together I feared every fart would be my last (like poetry).

Twenty minutes later I reached my grandparents place and in extreme pain I squeezed my ass cheeks together but also feeling a sense of relief as I drove up the driveway. I jumped out of the car and ran to the door knocking as loud as I could until my knuckles started to bleed.

They weren't home!

As I ran back down to the car a sneaky fart escaped from my ass taking with it a souvenir from its time in my bowels, my new smudge and I proceeded home as fast as I could drive without forcing anymore out.

Very nice!

By the time I arrived home it was to late I could not hold it in any longer and as I ran up the stairs squirting towards the toilet I thought to myself, why didn't I just stop at a petrol station and use their crapper? Damn that sucks!


Don January 21, 2009 at 11:35 PM  

I hope that everything came out alright. I'll have to admit that's a nice shiny to pile you have there. Too bad the grands weren't home though. You could have stunk up their place instead. Kind of like leaving a calling card from you. Sweeet.

Damian (666) January 22, 2009 at 11:04 AM  

It turned out awesome Don now I have a stain on my car seat and a story to tell about it!

~Static~ January 22, 2009 at 2:34 PM  

Maybe the reason you didn't pull into a service station to use their restroom is because you wanted to shit your draws?

Damian (666) January 22, 2009 at 4:54 PM  

@static yeah sure thats it or maybe I didn't want to fight a junkie for the last piece of toilet paper?

~Static~ January 23, 2009 at 7:50 AM  

@Damian - True dat. But you could have always used some newspaper, your hand, or slung your ass in the sink and rinsed afterwards too. I think you're just making excuses now. =P

You wanted to shit your pants. Just admit it already boyeee! =D lol

Damian (666) January 24, 2009 at 9:22 PM  

I've shat my pants a many a time before that day, nothing new but maybe your right! I blame cripples!

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