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Fitness Tips From An Unlikely Source

Friday, March 13, 2009

^ Another Guest Post Courtesy of Static

fat ass Embrace your fatness, if someone can wrap their arms around you

skinny ass "Ooh, look at me. I'm like, sooo skinny!"
You're a fat wannabe hoochie mama. Oh what, you have an 18.5 BMI?
That doesn't make you anorexic, it just means you're a spun out crack whore.

Angry Clown has some answers to everyday questions about fitness and the importance of a good diet. You can read the following Q&A for the details.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
And remember:
Ashley Olsen isn't "the fat twin".

You can find out more about embracing your fatness by visiting:

Krapsody - the place to find out of the ordinary humor
the Land of Arse
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
Visit MyBlogLog and get a signature like this!


Douche_Chicken March 15, 2009 at 9:51 AM  

Brilliant! I weeeed my pants, ever thought of doing a workout video? How not to loose weight and feel good about it!

otin March 16, 2009 at 9:19 AM  

I hate when women complain about the pain of childbirth, and then immediately want to have another one. It can't be all that painful, I've taken shits bigger than most newborns. What this has to do with your post, I have no idea.

~Static~ March 16, 2009 at 1:07 PM  

@Douche_Chicken - Yes I have. It's available in movie theaters now, it's called Mall Cop.

@ Otin - The point of your comment was one of three things: 1.) how fat some women get when they are pregnant 2.) how fat babies are 3.) how fat your big turds are

all of which are... TMI!

Kelly March 20, 2009 at 2:02 AM  

As a fat-ass bastard, myself, I certainly appreciate all those important health tips, Static. I firmly believe the fatter you are, the more there is to love. And since I'm such a lovable fucker, who could resist?

After a month long hiatus, I'm back again in the blog world. I'll be stopping by Krapsody next. I've got some catching up to do... on a lot of blogs.

Anonymous July 25, 2009 at 1:42 PM  

you are the worst person to give fitness tips ever,being healthy gives you a better chance to live longer,i'd rather stay in excellent shape,get pussy and be happy about that,then to be a lame douchebag.

~Static~ July 26, 2009 at 12:49 PM  

@ Anonymous - Really? Wow. I would have never known that. Thanks for the information...Captain Obvious.

Either you are really naive or really dumb. The fact that you thought I was being serious speaks volumes about you.

Since when have you had pussy, since pussy had you? Was this when your grandmother/mother/aunt/sister made a pass at you?

If being "healthy" and "living longer" means being like you, then you are the poster child and sole reason that others should be a fat lazy "lame douche bag" (as you put it) and end their days of literalism, stupidity, and pathetic excuse for existence as quickly as possible.

Please go die in a horrible treadmill accident at Bally's, or some other cheesy work-out venue. kthxbai!

~Static~ July 26, 2009 at 1:05 PM  

Actually..I'm dedicating my next blog post to you "Anonymous" blog commenter (Jake).

It will be a sordid story about your penultimate achievement - leaving all these ridiculously inane and pointless comments on other people's blogs, while you get really fat and develop several illnesses, which of course leads to your subsequent untimely demise.

It will be a story, your story, and everyone (2-3 people dumber than you) who reads it will believe and take it much too seriously..but after a few minutes they will forget about it all and go hatch some eggs...and you will once again fade into obscurity.

Anonymous July 29, 2009 at 12:36 PM  


Skrib August 25, 2009 at 12:05 PM  

Shut up Anonymous. You are making a complete ass of yourself on a blog that reeks of ass already. What do you think that's going to do for your image? That's right you look like a giant ass, when God said "Let there be Light", he told you to move your fat ass out of the way.

Tricia August 30, 2009 at 3:50 AM  

People from Auschwitz would have loved to chew on her bones.

~Static~ September 5, 2009 at 10:44 AM  

@ Tricia - *GASP!! *SHOCK!! *AWE!!

O.M.G. heaven lost another angel! That was the most contemptible (but poetic) comments you have EVER made in our presence...we must be rubbing off on you.


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