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Telemarketers iz teh Suck!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

telechimp

It's true! Do they suck? Yes, they suck poo spots and pubes off of toilet bowl rims.

I just got a phone call from Capital One the other day, that sounded like this (insert unconfident female voice here):

"Hello, this is Jenna from Capital One, looking for someone with the first initial J, last name Goldstein."

Now, right away, if I was named J. Goldstein, I'd know that this was not a personal call, and would probably hang up, but since my name is NOT J. Goldstein, and has not been for over 107 years, I informed her that she was looking at the wrong address. Her reply:

"Oh, I'm sorry. If you would like to learn more about Capital One, please go to our website at capital1.com."

At that very second, she should have been very thankful that I was usually a nice person to telemarketers and not particularly bored or mentally unstable that evening, because if I was a mean and a bored person, I imagine the conversation would have continued somewhat like this:

"Capital One dot com, you said?"
"Yes, sir, Capital One."
"So, that would be an exclamation mark?"
"Excuse me?"
"An exclamation mark. If I am trying to make a capital letter on my keyboard, I use the Shift key, but if I tried to make a capital 1, it would come out as an exclamation mark."
"Um... no, sir, the website has the actual word 'capital'."
"Ohhh... so it's the word 'capital', and then an exclamation mark?"
"No exclamation mark, just 'capital' and then 'one'."
"Is that the number 1 or the word 'one'. It's a little hard to tell over the phone."
"It doesn't matter, sir, they both take you to the same place."
"So should I put a capital on the letter O in 'one'? Or would that be 'capital capital one'?"
"Uh..."
"Or I could put a capital in front of both the 'capital' and the 'one', and then it would be 'capital capital capital one'."
"Sir, there is only ONE "CAPITAL" in Capital One!"
"One-Capital-dot-com, got it."
"NO! The Capital comes first!"
"And then an exclamation mark after it?"
"NO EXCLAMATION MARKS ARE NECESSARY!!!"
"Really? Because if this conversation were being written down, I'm sure the last few things you said would have had exclamation marks."
...dial tone...


Click the button for the most mentally unstable Angry Clown way to deal with a telemarketer.

3 comments:

Damian (666) August 19, 2008 at 11:25 PM  

! 1 Capitol? I still don't know what it is, I love the classic telemarketer brush off "speaka no english"- and its better when said in a few different accents. Or try selling them something and see how they like it Stupid phone sluts they is !

yeah go Static its ya 10yr anniversary for ya op (you know the one 1 !)

~Static~ August 20, 2008 at 9:16 AM  

I often try to sell telemarketers long-distance service. Even if it's a phone company calling me with long-distance offers. THAT cracks me up.


["yeah go Static its ya 10yr anniversary for ya op (you know the one 1 !)"]

Huh? No I don't actually. It's my 10 yr anniversary for what? Pooping? Drinking non-stop? NOT procreating?
Please elaborate as my memory seems to escape me.

Damian (666) August 20, 2008 at 12:55 PM  

?? I don't know I'm just making up random shit and expecting people to know what I'm talking about I call it the Angry Clown game, usually the answer is "do I know you?"

Stupid java plugin wont work I'm missing out on all the fun.

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