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An Altnet Chatbot Moment

Sunday, September 28, 2008


^ Another Guest Post Courtesy of Static

me - monkeying around on the web



So the other day I'm looking for free mp3's to download, yes, I said free.. what? are the feds going to come crashing through the door or something?





 Anyway I usually go to playlist.com but I did a Google search and came across this site that is listed as having free mp3 downloads right? So I click that link - you know I want my free mp3's dammit! Heeeell yeah. Shoot.


So anyway these bastards (I won't mention their name but it rhymes with Fault Net dot com... ok it's Altnet.com it's already in the title of this post) and they want like $20/mo, you can download unlimited music files, but I don't believe in paying for singles unless I'm buying an entire cd or a box set. Screw that noise. If it ain't free I don' wants it. Don't make me come ovah there bitch... Anyway I try to leave the site and a little window pops up, even though I have pop-up blocker in firefox that 'lil bastard got through! and a representative named Dana starts trying to chat with me. Ok, she's probably a bot. Annoying. So I decided to have a little fun of my own... and here's how that played out;








Dana Says: HEY DON’T GO! In addition to receiving Free music Downloads for 7 Days, we will even give you unlimited access to our 500,000 file ringtone catalogue as well! CLICK HERE now!

Dana Says: Just type 'HI' or 'Hello' in the space below to let me know you are there.

Dana Says: Hey! CLICK HERE to receive Unlimited Ringtone Downloads when you sign up for a 7 Day FREE Trial with Altnet right now!

You: Come mi culo?

Dana Says: This amazing offer is only available through this chat and for a limited time. CLICK HERE to take advantage of this deal.

You: mas panocha?

Dana Says: Keep in mind that if you sign up right now you will have access to Unlimited Ringtone Downloads! CLICK HERE to get started!

You: no lo tiene en ingl├ęs?

Dana Says: Remember, this offer for a Free Trial with Unlimited Ringtone Downloads is available through this chat only and for a limited time. It may not be available tomorrow. CLICK HERE to take advantage of this amazing offer.

You: ja ja ja ja ja ja!!!!

Dana Says: When you subscribe to an Altnet Unlimited Music package, you can download unlimited music files, and play those files on up to 3 PCs that you own.

You: no comprendo.

Dana Says: OK, Thank you for your time. To end the CHAT simply CLICK on the "X" in upper right.

You: do you speak spanish?

Dana Says: No, sorry, I only speak English :(

You: how about Tagalog? "Suck me, lick me, pretend I'm an ice cream cone." In Tagalog that means "Hi, how are you doing today?"

Dana Says: Let’s try to stay on point. You have nothing to lose. CLICK HERE to experience Altnet for FREE with a 7 Day Trial with Unlimited Ringtone Downloads!

You: what point? Ok, how about swedish? I'd like to experience YOU for FREE with a 7 Day Trial! Bork bork bork?! Swede babes are hawt yo. They got really pert titti....

Dana Says: I am sorry, I only have limited information. For more questions or information, please call us at (800) 401 1435 or CLICK HERE to contact customer service.

You: Alright, what else can you tell me about YOU?

Dana Says: I am sorry, I only have limited information. For more questions or information, please call us at (800) 401 1435 or CLICK HERE to contact customer service.

You: Dana, don't be modest, are you hawt?

You: What are you wearing... white silky underthangs? I bet you look really sexy in that skirt and tight blouse you're wearing today..... Hello?

(long pause)

Dana Says: Hi, thanks for chatting with me today... CLICK HERE to return to Altnet.com.

Dana Says: Altnet is a subscription-based service that gives you unlimited access to hundreds of thousands of CD-quality tracks.

Dana Says: For a flat monthly rate, you can download unlimited music files, and play those files on up to 3 PCs that you own.

You: Do you like garter belts? Whips, chains, jumper cables and car batteries?

Dana Says: Unlike other music services that charge you every time you download a song, Altnet allows you to listen to as much music as you want for one low monthly fee.

You: I have a great bondage site you should visit. I'd like to tie you up and spank your ample arse with my bare hands. Me love you long time!

Dana Says: This allows you to explore all the music you want without having to pay for every single track or album.

Dana Says: Don’t wait any longer and remember when you sign up today for our 7 Day Free Trial you will receive Unlimited Ringtone Downloads! CLICK HERE to take advantage of this deal right now!

You: I don't think I can wait any longer trust me. What about butt plugs, do you own one? I bet it's HUGE.

You: I own one the size of a watermelon and I'm UTILIZING it right now!

(another long pause)

You: Did I say something wrong? Damn, I think my prostate is swelling again. Helloooo?

You: Dana, don't go! You, me, jumper cables..butt plugs... sunset....

(really long pause)

You: Hello? Awwww! :(
 
Altnet.com chatbots hard at work

For more inane stuff visit: Krapsody 

8 comments:

kathcom September 29, 2008 at 4:39 AM  

Picking on a bot-whatever gets you through the night, bro! When I'm on the phone with a voice-recognition thing, I like to say "Yes...bitch" just for the hell of it. And "live agent...bitch" to get transferred.

Come to find out, companies can tape your entire interaction, including the foul shit you say to the FedEx bot. No fair, I say. We should be able to get out our passive-aggression on non-living entities, right?

~Static~ September 29, 2008 at 7:54 AM  

@kathcom - Meh, it was just an observation I made and thought it would be funny if someone hypothetically did go there.

The pop-up was a bit annoying at first but it didn't really make me upset. Sometimes those voice recognition programs at major companies can be very annoying when you have to repeat yourself over and over again. I find myself cursing out the bots sometimes, let them record that I don't really care. These overgrown monopolized companies need to change their policies on customer service.

It just shows that companies don't really care about customer interaction anymore. They just want to save a buck so they can have more profits and take our hard earned money and buy mansions, caviar, champagne and bitches with it.

That's not ethical or moral... Unless they share. =)

Kelly September 29, 2008 at 1:17 PM  

The best place to get free stuff.... from what I hear.... is piratebay.org

You don't have to be a member. But you will want to have BitComet or something like it. PB has it all. Music, software, movies. Just be sure to check out the comments for whatever you're interested. And, of course, scan it first before permanently putting iton your disc or hard drive. The comments will tell you a lot, though.

I feel a fart ready to pop out of my ass. Bye.

Damian (666) September 29, 2008 at 6:57 PM  

We need to kill all bots and computers in some type of end of the world war like a movie!

Today its free mp3's tomorrow its our freedom, kill them NOW!

kathcom September 30, 2008 at 12:46 AM  

@Static--I wasn't trying to rag on you--sorry it came out that way.

One thing that always pisses me off is when the automated voice says something like, "Please wait while I look that up for you"--there is no "I"!! There's no artificial intelligence that can speak to me yet, just the machinations of companies too cheap to have real people doing customer service.

Come to think of it, though, live customer service people usually suck, too-- either stupid or with a bad attitude or both. Or with a good attitude but in India.People suck.

~Static~ September 30, 2008 at 10:31 AM  

@kathcom - don't be silly, not at all my dear. I was simply reflecting on the moment I was inspired to write this article. Which overall was a mixture of indifference, confusion, and... constipation.. much to my chagrin the snafu in question never gave rise to my ire but instead gave me the option to MOCK IT WITHOUT MERCY!
BWAHAHAHAHA! *coughs
Ok, I'm done laughing about it. For now. =P

~Static~ September 30, 2008 at 10:40 AM  

@kelly - piratebay.org Ye say, arr?
Why that sounds like an ironically pithy place for a pirate t' hang out at an' dig for treaaye!
Dost thou hast any booty Ye'd like t' declare?! Aye? Aye.
I do not care for t' spywares however, so me thinks I best be taking me yellowed arse yonder over the high seas of the intarweb to playlist.com instead matey.
But thanks anyway. YARRRRR!

~Static~ September 30, 2008 at 10:43 AM  

Shit!
I'm doing that again? [link]
Curses! ARR! =\

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