Friday, September 26, 2008
Hey, let your Uncle Kelly tell ya the tale of a lil' planet of long ago. It was called, oddly enough, Idiotica and it was overpopulated with a bunch of wacky DumbAsses. They say the Dumbasses on Planet Idiotica started out as crazy turd-throwin' monkeys but I don't know about dat. I have my own theory dat seems a bit more sensible.
I think a bunch of messed up, drug lovin' aliens got bored one week and dropped by perfect Idiotica for a bit of experimental Hoo-Ha. Since they didn't poke each other in the porkholes anymore.... and they probably got tired of lookin' at all the mountains, trees and water- I think dat they decided to make a new species of being with their advanced technology. Thus, the DumbAss was emanated. The aliens, seeing what they created, were greatly embarrassed. So they took off, like a flea and didn't come back for a real long time.
Soon, after the aliens left the DumbAsses to make decisions for themselves, the early DumbAsses right away began playing "Take Mr. Stinky And Push Him In Da Taco of Love". When they weren't doing dat, they'd hunt down animals, eat till their bellies bloat and hit each other with sticks.
Oddly enough, a lot of the inhabitants of Idiotica delighted in their worship of inanimate objects. The theory being- if ya sing your praises to a rock, the rock will give your people a head of lettuce.
Here's some of the prayers n' stuff they sang and danced to:
"Oh Big Ol' Yellow Ball In Da Sky, You are so great and look so good up there. Could you make it so we got enough beans for the winter?"
"Hello Acorn, how are You today? You look wonderful. I love you, Acorn. Do You love me?"
"Oh statue of a god I just made up, please tell me what I should do? Should I take my first born son and drown him in a river or should I allow him to grown up to be a fine DumbAss like me?"
Later, the folks of Idiotica moved on to praying to deities they couldn't even see. A lot of times they would fight over their deities and beliefs and cause plentiful bloodshed for anyone who didn't believe what they believed. Ha Ho! They sure knew how to have a jolly ol' time!
During their Industrial Age, The DumbAsses made something that would change their world for years to come. It was called "pollution" and they used it to slowly poison themselves to death.
The Main Objective of a DumbAss, of course, was to get more moola, more "money". And enough was never enough for the typical DumbAss. And the more ya had- the more other DumbAsses seemed ta respect ya. Which is funny and truly pathetic when ya think about it. Ha Ho! Those crazy DumbAsses loved and worshipped them lil' green pieces of paper more than any other god on Idiotica. In fact, the whole ecosystem of Idiotica was forsaken for the Almighty Coin.
Every so often, the Dumbasses of Idiotica would elect a new ruler or Puppet King. One nation, in particular, prided itself on being free. Free ta do what? The only freedom the Dumbasses really ever had was the right to vote for a new ruler ever so often. They didn't get to make the laws. They didn't get ta decide how much money would be ripped out of their slavepay to support their "government". Many times, the DumbAss Rulership would control the Dumbasses by telling them lies and forcing them to watch ancient reruns of Gilligan's Island or, worse yet, The Jerry Springer Show.
Excuse me now while I puke up a Toyota!
And goooood gollykins but those DumbAsses enjoyed a good war. Always about land, fossil fuels, religion or the color of skin- these DumbAsses would kill each other like there was no tomorrow.
They couldn't get a boner til they had annihilated almost every motherfucker in a big ol' murderous frenzy.
Thanks kids for reading along with me this tale of delightful arrogance and festive idiocy. I'll be back after I take a nice long hit off Uncle Kelly's Magical Pipe O' Fun.