Space pubes.

Attention all readers I have come across shocking information that will scare the crap out of you! You cant not read this, unless your real busy and have something else to do or just don't want to read it then thats cool....Anyways.

How many of you have had a shower and come across a bar of soap covered in pubes or gone to the toilet and found a lone pube "hanging out" on the seat or even found a short and curly in a sandwich or other fast food item? You are not alone.

It seems that we have all come across these little black invaders while going about our daily chores and thought nothing of it! Well people Dr Vin Gusto a world leading scientist at Harvard has discovered that what we think are nothing more then tiny black hairs that seem to pop up on everything may actually be visitors from another planet!

The doctor examining a mouth for pube aliens

The research done into the pube plague has revealed the pubes were small reconnaissance aliens gathering information about our day to day lives, "this can only mean that an invasion is imminent and In my own opinion we should prepare the world for a massive attack, we are all doooommmeedddd and there is no hope." Dr Vin Gusto said.

We must all do our part to protect the world! Keep an eye out for these signs and report them to the authority's as soon as possible.

Signs you have been invaded...Your bar of soap has a large amount of pubes stuck to it,

your toilet seat has pubes on it (one or more), your hair brush has a tangle of pubes living among the bristles, you have pubes stuck in between your teeth, you have pubes on your face (may look like facial hair), pubes in your tooth brush and pubes in and around your house or place of work.

If you feel you have been invaded by pubes then remove all hair from your house and body and burn all your clothes, belongings and friends and family as they may already be infected and not even know it, the signs of infection include vomiting large amounts of blood and cum, farting and sharting constantly and extreme "doucherisism" (also known as George W Bush syndrome).

The truth is out there!

Dr Vin Gusto is currently working on a cure and is expected to finish in the next few minutes.

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Destiny of Idiotica

Hey, let your Uncle Kelly tell ya the tale of a lil' planet of long ago. It was called, oddly enough, Idiotica and it was overpopulated with a bunch of wacky DumbAsses. They say the Dumbasses on Planet Idiotica started out as crazy turd-throwin' monkeys but I don't know about dat. I have my own theory dat seems a bit more sensible.



I think a bunch of messed up, drug lovin' aliens got bored one week and dropped by perfect Idiotica for a bit of experimental Hoo-Ha. Since they didn't poke each other in the porkholes anymore.... and they probably got tired of lookin' at all the mountains, trees and water- I think dat they decided to make a new species of being with their advanced technology. Thus, the DumbAss was emanated. The aliens, seeing what they created, were greatly embarrassed. So they took off, like a flea and didn't come back for a real long time.

Soon, after the aliens left the DumbAsses to make decisions for themselves, the early DumbAsses right away began playing "Take Mr. Stinky And Push Him In Da Taco of Love". When they weren't doing dat, they'd hunt down animals, eat till their bellies bloat and hit each other with sticks.

Oddly enough, a lot of the inhabitants of Idiotica delighted in their worship of inanimate objects. The theory being- if ya sing your praises to a rock, the rock will give your people a head of lettuce.

Here's some of the prayers n' stuff they sang and danced to:

"Oh Big Ol' Yellow Ball In Da Sky, You are so great and look so good up there. Could you make it so we got enough beans for the winter?"

"Hello Acorn, how are You today? You look wonderful. I love you, Acorn. Do You love me?"

"Oh statue of a god I just made up, please tell me what I should do? Should I take my first born son and drown him in a river or should I allow him to grown up to be a fine DumbAss like me?"

Later, the folks of Idiotica moved on to praying to deities they couldn't even see. A lot of times they would fight over their deities and beliefs and cause plentiful bloodshed for anyone who didn't believe what they believed. Ha Ho! They sure knew how to have a jolly ol' time!

During their Industrial Age, The DumbAsses made something that would change their world for years to come. It was called "pollution" and they used it to slowly poison themselves to death.

Hurray!

Another wacky thing the DumbAsses like ta do was cut down trees. They weren't happy, it seemed, till they cut down every last goddamn one o' them. When all the rain forests were wiped out, they noticed (bit too late) dat oxygen was a bit scarce.

Imagine that!

The Main Objective of a DumbAss, of course, was to get more moola, more "money". And enough was never enough for the typical DumbAss. And the more ya had- the more other DumbAsses seemed ta respect ya. Which is funny and truly pathetic when ya think about it. Ha Ho! Those crazy DumbAsses loved and worshipped them lil' green pieces of paper more than any other god on Idiotica. In fact, the whole ecosystem of Idiotica was forsaken for the Almighty Coin.

Golly.

Every so often, the Dumbasses of Idiotica would elect a new ruler or Puppet King. One nation, in particular, prided itself on being free. Free ta do what? The only freedom the Dumbasses really ever had was the right to vote for a new ruler ever so often. They didn't get to make the laws. They didn't get ta decide how much money would be ripped out of their slavepay to support their "government". Many times, the DumbAss Rulership would control the Dumbasses by telling them lies and forcing them to watch ancient reruns of Gilligan's Island or, worse yet, The Jerry Springer Show.

Excuse me now while I puke up a Toyota!

And goooood gollykins but those DumbAsses enjoyed a good war. Always about land, fossil fuels, religion or the color of skin- these DumbAsses would kill each other like there was no tomorrow.

They couldn't get a boner til they had annihilated almost every motherfucker in a big ol' murderous frenzy.

Finally, the aliens came back to check up on the DumbAsses, ready to introduce themselves proper. But, when they arrived, they saw that the folks on Idiotica had enough nukes to destroy themselves and their planet 50 X 3 plus 2 and decided the DumbAsses were intent on killing themselves and weren't worth gettin' to know.

With the predicted final world war, the seas and oceans boiled away while the lands of Idiotica burned with the fires of nuclear devastation. Alas, there was to be no surviving for any DumbAss due to fallout and radiation.

Gosh, I sure didn't see dat coming! Did you?

Thanks kids for reading along with me this tale of delightful arrogance and festive idiocy. I'll be back after I take a nice long hit off Uncle Kelly's Magical Pipe O' Fun.

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