Destiny of Idiotica

Hey, let your Uncle Kelly tell ya the tale of a lil' planet of long ago. It was called, oddly enough, Idiotica and it was overpopulated with a bunch of wacky DumbAsses. They say the Dumbasses on Planet Idiotica started out as crazy turd-throwin' monkeys but I don't know about dat. I have my own theory dat seems a bit more sensible.



I think a bunch of messed up, drug lovin' aliens got bored one week and dropped by perfect Idiotica for a bit of experimental Hoo-Ha. Since they didn't poke each other in the porkholes anymore.... and they probably got tired of lookin' at all the mountains, trees and water- I think dat they decided to make a new species of being with their advanced technology. Thus, the DumbAss was emanated. The aliens, seeing what they created, were greatly embarrassed. So they took off, like a flea and didn't come back for a real long time.

Soon, after the aliens left the DumbAsses to make decisions for themselves, the early DumbAsses right away began playing "Take Mr. Stinky And Push Him In Da Taco of Love". When they weren't doing dat, they'd hunt down animals, eat till their bellies bloat and hit each other with sticks.

Oddly enough, a lot of the inhabitants of Idiotica delighted in their worship of inanimate objects. The theory being- if ya sing your praises to a rock, the rock will give your people a head of lettuce.

Here's some of the prayers n' stuff they sang and danced to:

"Oh Big Ol' Yellow Ball In Da Sky, You are so great and look so good up there. Could you make it so we got enough beans for the winter?"

"Hello Acorn, how are You today? You look wonderful. I love you, Acorn. Do You love me?"

"Oh statue of a god I just made up, please tell me what I should do? Should I take my first born son and drown him in a river or should I allow him to grown up to be a fine DumbAss like me?"

Later, the folks of Idiotica moved on to praying to deities they couldn't even see. A lot of times they would fight over their deities and beliefs and cause plentiful bloodshed for anyone who didn't believe what they believed. Ha Ho! They sure knew how to have a jolly ol' time!

During their Industrial Age, The DumbAsses made something that would change their world for years to come. It was called "pollution" and they used it to slowly poison themselves to death.

Hurray!

Another wacky thing the DumbAsses like ta do was cut down trees. They weren't happy, it seemed, till they cut down every last goddamn one o' them. When all the rain forests were wiped out, they noticed (bit too late) dat oxygen was a bit scarce.

Imagine that!

The Main Objective of a DumbAss, of course, was to get more moola, more "money". And enough was never enough for the typical DumbAss. And the more ya had- the more other DumbAsses seemed ta respect ya. Which is funny and truly pathetic when ya think about it. Ha Ho! Those crazy DumbAsses loved and worshipped them lil' green pieces of paper more than any other god on Idiotica. In fact, the whole ecosystem of Idiotica was forsaken for the Almighty Coin.

Golly.

Every so often, the Dumbasses of Idiotica would elect a new ruler or Puppet King. One nation, in particular, prided itself on being free. Free ta do what? The only freedom the Dumbasses really ever had was the right to vote for a new ruler ever so often. They didn't get to make the laws. They didn't get ta decide how much money would be ripped out of their slavepay to support their "government". Many times, the DumbAss Rulership would control the Dumbasses by telling them lies and forcing them to watch ancient reruns of Gilligan's Island or, worse yet, The Jerry Springer Show.

Excuse me now while I puke up a Toyota!

And goooood gollykins but those DumbAsses enjoyed a good war. Always about land, fossil fuels, religion or the color of skin- these DumbAsses would kill each other like there was no tomorrow.

They couldn't get a boner til they had annihilated almost every motherfucker in a big ol' murderous frenzy.

Finally, the aliens came back to check up on the DumbAsses, ready to introduce themselves proper. But, when they arrived, they saw that the folks on Idiotica had enough nukes to destroy themselves and their planet 50 X 3 plus 2 and decided the DumbAsses were intent on killing themselves and weren't worth gettin' to know.

With the predicted final world war, the seas and oceans boiled away while the lands of Idiotica burned with the fires of nuclear devastation. Alas, there was to be no surviving for any DumbAss due to fallout and radiation.

Gosh, I sure didn't see dat coming! Did you?

Thanks kids for reading along with me this tale of delightful arrogance and festive idiocy. I'll be back after I take a nice long hit off Uncle Kelly's Magical Pipe O' Fun.

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Fuel for thought

I'm angry! The cost of fuel is getting beyond a joke and making it hard for the average blogger like me and you to get around without spending your life savings on a drop of stinky liquid gold. I blame the dinosaurs if more of them had of died and become fossilized then we wouldn't have a problem.

Anyways as always I'm here to help and save your wallets from the fuel companies with a couple of tips on how to save fuel and get around without spending a dime on gasoline so you have more money for alcohol and drugs you know the important things!

Paper airplane, shrink yourself and your family down to the size of an ant and away you go although remember someone full size has to throw it and rain may cause a problem.

Instructions for paper airplane.

Wheelchair, this may seem simple but its not all that easy paralyzing yourself I recommend jumping in front of a car or falling off a horse if its good enough for superman its good enough for you and a bonus is you will never have to wipe your own ass again! There is a down side but I just cant think of it!

Move to an under water city, theres no need for a car if you live under the sea and you get to ride dolphins everywhere and how hot are mermaids? There very thats how hot!!

A cat sled, yes cats aren't just pets they can also be used to make a kick ass slay just get a dog to ride with you and watch those kitty's run if its good enough for Santa its good enough for you and the kids love them!

Walk, thats right I know its hard people but it can be done I've heard of some people walking one maybe two meters before giving up, I wouldn't do this but maybe its right for you!

Plus theres push bikes and public transport but thats boring so forget that. I hope these were helpful and I'll see you on the flip side jive turkey you dig ?

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Who needs a job?

Had an appointment today for a job I don't want a job but apparently its the thing to do these days if you want to survive but is there another way to survive and not have a job?

Do it I dare ya!

I do believe a big yes is in order for that question and I'll even tell you how it can be done!
First you need to burn everything you own and everything around you even the clothes on your back (take them off first) and then punch everyone you love and even punching some strangers might help.

The next step involves quiting your old job if you have one and for this you will need a bag of snakes any kind will do, take the bag of snakes to your boss and smack him across the face with them while screaming Jesus loves you this will be your notice and he will accept it!

Now that you have burned all your bridges and have nothing left you are ready to start your new jobless life, you need to find a nice forest where you can set up residence you will need water, food and heat you will find all this by a river or lake and the heat you will have to start a fire but you have had lots of experience doing that when you burnt everything you owned so there will be no problem there, if you are unable to start a fire then several different types of animals can be used to "snuggle" with for warmth.

Water is the easiest to get if you are living by a river then theres your water dumbass.
Food can be found in large quantities in caves and holes in trees if you can avoid those pesky KILLER animals like the blue ringed octopus and the green sea turtle and stuff?
So there we have it the easiest way to live without a job! Who would of thought it could of been that simple! Anyways all this and more can be your life if you say no to work and yes to being a freak! Mutha f**ka I just smashed my freaken funny bone its not freaken funny god damn it.

Keep an eye out for these tree dwelling creatures!

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