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Awkward Moments

Monday, September 1, 2008

bearded lady

There s nothing worse than the coveted fart and sneeze. Unless it's the wretched gas bubble in closed spaces or serene settings and just when you can't hold it any longer you try to let it squeak out not only slowly but quietly and it just rushes out causing your buttcheeks to flap together and it ends up being an earthshaking loud fart. So embarassing. Almost as embarassing as taking a crap and not having any toilet paper nor anyone one around to help you. Which is almost as embarassing as having to fart and having to piss like a race horse at the same time, that is the worst next to having to fart so you let it rip and you end up sharting which is only surpassed by having diarrhea and feeling like you have to go really bad but there is not a single bathroom or bush closeby, so you end up going in your pants. Awkward. What do you do?

Or if you're a guy and sitting in a chair at a certain angle, wearing shorts and boxers, accidentally exposing frank &/or beans. Has that ever happened to you? Awkward. What do you do?

Or what if you have a female coworker who has a beard. and it isn't a few whiffs of hair, it's like a full goatee almost like Abe Lincoln's. And you all go for lunch at a pizza resturant sitting opposite to said woman who also is quite overweight. Her pizza arrives first and she immediately attacks it like it's hand-to-hand combat. After the first attack on her meal she raises her head to talk with the rest of us who are still waiting for our food and a strand of cheese about four inches long is hanging from her chin whiskers. She doesn't notice and no one else says anything. Just how do you tell a woman there is a strand of cheese hanging off their beard? Should you say something or wait for five minutes, a near eternity in toe cringing 'don't look/must look' time for gravity to take effect? Awkward. What do you do?

What's your most awkward moment?


Damian (666) September 1, 2008 at 3:04 PM  

Just let em rip man all these rules that society has put on us like don't shit in public or fart loudly or dress like a zombie and eat peoples brains, its all to suppress us man and keep us from being us! and the lady with the hair I'd do her and eat the cheese off during a fit of passionate fur rage! Gawd damn it!

Kat September 1, 2008 at 3:16 PM  

you and your cheese

David September 1, 2008 at 6:38 PM  

Uhmmm....Damian - I'll pass. you can have your way with the bearded lady.

I can ignore a fart but kissing a bearded woman...that is still a bit problematic for me.

~Static~ September 2, 2008 at 4:34 AM  

@Damian - I agree with you on the farting part, however I try to let 'em go when people are a HEALTHY distance away from my stanky butt gases. Just out of common courtesy.

But, you'd seriously eat the cheese dangling off of a bearded lady's chin hairs? That's gross. Even for me. =P

I hear she likes to eat fondue and fart constantly while getting it on. She also has hairy armpits, and rarely bathes, y'know if you're into that.

Damian (666) September 2, 2008 at 10:41 AM  

Static, hell yeah whats her number????

ettarose September 3, 2008 at 4:08 PM  

Ok guys, that bearded woman is my best friend and she is spoken for by the woman that cleans the bathroom at the corner Sheetz. If you have to throw butt snot make sure I am up wind, and I had a friend who was blowing his nose while he was turned away from me. I called his name (Murray if you must know, and he was my assistant manager) and when he turned to look at me he had snot hanging off his mustache. I just let him walk around like that. Ha ha! Little asshat

~Static~ September 5, 2008 at 1:04 PM  

Ha ha! Awesome stories Etta. Now if someone doesn't mind cleaning up the puke on aisle 11...

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