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The Enlightening Journey Of The Insufferable Bastards- Chapter 1

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

"Oh Damo, it's too big," explained the large breasted, darkhaired pole dancer.

Damo gave her that trademark look that signaled frustration. Gina continued, "Maybe if you take it nice and slow and try to twist it in." Licking her lips, she offered Damo a wink.

Damo smiled, took her cup of beer and slowly twisted it into the cup holder of his car. "Hey," said Damo. "It fuckin' worked."

Damo and Gina had just left the party and were going back to her place. Between the two of them, they had eleminated nearly a quarter keg of beer. For the last hour or so, all Damo could think about was going back to his new friend's apartment. She had promised to demonstrate a new trick she had learned. Damo had a boner that could bore through steel.

Just as he pulled into Gina's driveway, Damo heard a car horn blow behind him. Irritated, Damo shouted, "What the fuck!" A black Pontiac GTO pulled in behind him, screeching to a halt, inches from their back bumper. Damo looked in his rear view mirror, instantly knew who it was, then shook his head.

Kelly, Damo's brother in mischief and spirit, came up to the door of Damo's car. Clearly, he was excited. He had that crazed look in his eyes, too.

"Get out, man," demanded Kelly. "I have to talk to ya!"

Damo said, "It will have ta wait, mate. Gina was going ta show me her new trick."

"No, it can't wait."

Kelly pulled Damo's car door open and pulled the drunken bastard out by the arm. Normally, Damo would have put up a fight, but he had drank so much, his legs had the feeling of jello. Kelly grabbed his shoulders to keep him on his feet. Gina cried out, still in the passenger seat, "Are we going in or what? I have to piss." Damo turned around, "Go on. I'll be there in a minute."

Staggering slightly, Damo asked, "What do you need ta tell me, mate? I've got a woody that could cut through brick and this girl has a body that-"

Kelly stated, "Yeah, I know."

Damo said, "Get on with it then."

Kelly propped Damo up against the side of his car, took a few steps back and started to related to him the important news.
"Do you know how I told you I was going to go on a quest to find the right religion for me?"

Damo replied, "Yeah, but I figured you had either totally lost your freakin' mind or was telling me shit."

Kelly nodded, then said, "Well, I started it, went through with it and came to a conclusion."

Damo reminded him, "I've got a dark haired lass in there that can bend her legs back behind her ears. And she told me her new trick has something to do with that position."

Kelly quickly popped a magical pill into Damo's slack jawed mouth. Damo choked the pill down with the beer left in the car. "I'm guessin' dat was a little blue pill?," asked Damo. Kelly said, "Somethin' to help ya keep your timber straight for the next three hours, yeah. And more." Kelly laughed. Damo saw the evil in his eyes and laughed with him.

Kelly sat on the ground, opposite of his friend, Damo. He began, "Well, first I decided to go to a Baptist church and talk to the local minister. After asking him a variety of questions, I decided they had too many rules and too much silliness to take seriously. I told the minister he was full of shit and walked out.

"From there, I drove to St. Paulie's Catholic Church. I went in, talked to the priest for hours and couldn't believe the obvious crap he was trying to push on me. I walked out, more than a little perturbed that he was trying to convince me that every sperm is sacred and should only be used for making babies. I told him he was ignorant, threw a couple balls of lint from my pocket in the the church donation basket and walked out.

"I was so angry, I went out to the front of his church and changed the letters on the church marquee so that it would convey a more meaningful message.

"Still, I didn't lose hope. I got back inside the car, as the priest came running outside, shouting profanities and went back out onto the road.

"A few hours later and I turned into the driveway of Twin Lakes Lutheran Church. Frustrated, I went inside and talked to the minister. He blathered on and on, telling me that Lutherans believe that every word in the bible is the exact word of God. I explained that it was impossible for that to be true since the bible was written by a buttload of different people at different times with different perspectives on what they had experienced or heard, secondhandedly. Of course, I left, afterwards.

"Out of gloom and spite for this minister's blind ignorance, I changed up the words on their church sign, as well. It made me feel a little bit better. Especially, after I went back inside the church and pissed on the blessed carpeting

"But ya know, I continued my journey in search of a new religion for the following weeks and I've come to the following conclusion."

Damo looked into his friend's eyes and asked, "What's that?"

"That all organized religion is bullshit," declared Kelly.

Damo said, "Ya got that right, dude."

Damo suddenly demanded, "Hey, meet me at my place tomorrow night. I've got another quest in mind for the both of us. Something you'll like." It was Damo's turn to laugh evilly. Kelly smiled, in anticipation. Whatever Damo had planned, he was sure he would be more than happy to be a part of it.

Damo got his back off the car and walked toward the door of Gina's house. Kelly heard him say, "But first I got some business to attend to." More laughter followed.


Damian (666) November 4, 2008 at 8:29 PM  

Woooooooo let the quest begin! I hope theres lots of cat fisting involved! Thats a religion, right?

Kelly November 6, 2008 at 3:56 AM  

Yes, cat fisting is a religion. But I found it had too many rules to follow and errors in it's many scriptures. No matter. It is still a worthwhile recreational sport than can really bring a community together.

~Static~ November 6, 2008 at 1:06 PM  

This was taken from Oliver Stone's biopic 'W', wasn't it?

Kelly November 8, 2008 at 5:18 AM  

Not sure, Static. I had to get up in the middle of that movie in the theater, run to the potty and take a big fat squishy dump (with corn in it) that caused my ass to tear wide open. I lost 4gallons of blood and a colon.

~Static~ November 8, 2008 at 10:23 AM  

Yep, you did see the movie then.

Kelly November 12, 2008 at 6:07 AM  

No, I didn't get the chance to see it. Wanted to, though. Last movies I saw were IronMan and Dark Knight.

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