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Cannibals Part I: Why funerals are Buffets just WAITING to happen

Friday, January 2, 2009

Look, before you say anything, I know exactly what you're thinking: "I'm using the internet and am NOT currently looking at porn." I can sympathise with that, although this is completely unrelated to today's entry and will therefore will be replaced with an "intellectual conversation" (defined as one which consists of at least a 6th-grade reading level) about cannibalism. And maybe porn...okay, the entire article is about porn. 


Warning - Porn Pictures, Images and Photos
Above: summation of this entire article

Okay, I lied. Actually, the article IS about cannibalism, but not in the way you would expect. Murdering someone and eating their remains is about one of the worse things one human being can do to another human being. Fortunately, there is nothing in the definition of "cannibal" that involves "killing someone". That attribute is reserved for murderers. And Dick Cheney

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This is his idea of "self-help"

Cannibalism simply involves the consumption of human flesh. Sorry all you stalkers out there, but eating the hair you found on a comb in Linsey Lohan's dumpster does not make you a cannibal (hair isn't flesh moron), although it does mean that you and I have at least one thing in common (call me!). But seriously you guys, just think about it for a moment. Aren't funerals such a WASTE? A Funeral is the only thing that costs more than $5,000 that NOBODY has a good time during. Not even your alcoholic, gay uncle Frederick and his Asian sex-slave/accountant Fred have a good time, and to him, EVERY-FUCKING-DAY is a party! 

sex slave Pictures, Images and Photos
In today's financial market, sex-slave is the #1 job-choice for accountants!

As far as the costs are concerned, there's the casket to think about; the mortician to "beautify" the body; the food to feed the guests...does anyone see where I'm going with this? If so, then you're one sick bastard (call me!). Anyway, we here at "Fuddrucker's Dining Hall and Funeral Parlor" understand that you can't spell "funeral" without "FUN," which brings me to my next point. You can replace the casket with a silver platter, the mortician with a chef and the food with...you guessed it, the dead guy, because let's be honest, he's been given a free ride for FAAAR too long. It's about time he pulls his own (albiet dead) weight. The body of the deceased, instead of rotting in the ground waiting to be sodomized by crack-addicted necropheliacs, would instead be sodomized by crack-addicted necropheliacs after FIRST being eaten by your grieving yet thankful (for all the money you saved them) family. 

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Either the Japanese are completely insane, or they do the weirdest shit just to
fuck with us.

Now, before you call your local Congressman to prevent such a trend from spreading, don't you worry. I only operate my business in the U.S. Minor Outlying Islands, which I fucking DARE you to point to on a map. For Christ's sake, you can't even point to your OWN country on a map. Not even a U.S. map that has written, in all capital letters, "THIS IS A MAP OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, DUMASS!"


That's it, I'm moving to Great Britain! Now where's my butt-plug...

Still not convinced of American inferiority? How about THIS:



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Want more unbelievably useless and possibly psychologically scarring social commentary? Look below for more details (and quite possibly free pornography)!

Project Julio
Conceived in the womb when I was a mere zygote, Project Julio is now the internet's #1 underground comedy blog in Communist China! Taiwan Rules!
satire, social commentary, politics and political incorrect-itude


6 comments:

dana wyzard January 3, 2009 at 2:22 AM  

I just buried a friend. I had to call the "notification list" at church to let everyone know of the arrangements and, YA KNOW WHAT THE MAIN QUESTION WAS???? Would there be a MEAL following the funeral!

Yes. There was. And that custom makes me wanna puke!

Majase Cyc January 3, 2009 at 2:41 AM  

It's much better to dig into your fellow man BEFORE the embalming and all that shit. The chemical aftertaste is worse than a formaldehyde hangover.

Um...or so I've read.

And Americans aren't stupid, we just don't give a fuck about anybody else, 'cause WE are the world and no one else matters!

Wait, yea that's kinda stupid--never mind.

kthxbai

Mokoh January 3, 2009 at 6:30 AM  

Dana, somehow I doubt a 54 year old woman could read such a profane blog such as this AND relate to the idea of eating someone.

Anyway, if any of you are looking for a DELICIOUS way to spend the holidays, you need to look no further than this site: http://www.sjc.com/manbeef/

RBV January 3, 2009 at 2:57 PM  

Yeah, it's a waste of perfectly good atoms if you don't eat the corpse.

JD January 3, 2009 at 11:43 PM  

i once ate a cadaver

tasted like chicken

Julio January 4, 2009 at 3:37 AM  

RBV - I agree; all atoms should be put to good use. Not only should we EAT the corpse, we should also use the hair and skin to make clothing and the bone to make simple tools and toothpicks.

Dana - My condolences. I hope the deceased became a meal fitting of a wonderful life

Majase - We DO in fact embalm the corpses --- in gravy. We allow the body to marinate in a combination of seasoned milk, beer and coconut oil. After about 3 hours, the body is then deep fried (to make the skin edible) and then placed in an industrial-sized oven for about 12 hours. For more recipes, please experiment with your own living tissues.

Mokoh - 54 year old women are our most valued customers. They delight in putting the "FUN" back in "FUNeral" by making their loved one into a 4-course meal. Also, http://www.sjc.com/manbeef/ is a hoax. I am the only legal producer of human meat in the Western Hemisphere.

JD - obviously you haven't had human meat before. It tastes more like pork, except with an additional dash of love. That's because all human meat contains 5% human soul, the only known source of edible love (aside from chocolate underwear).

Thank you all for your interest in "FUDRUCKERS restaurant and funeral parlor" where WE put the "FUN" in "FUNeral"!!!

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